How Much More!

I knew it would be hard. I just didn't know it would be this hard. I knew it would be good. I just didn't know it would be this good.  Not even an hour into the first day of my last week with the triplets, the tears just started pouring down. A slobbery kiss from Charlie. Katie kissing my boo-boo. A heart-melting "Ju-ya" from Will. Sweet moments. Heart-breaking moments. Shakespeare was right, parting is such sweet sorrow.

I knew I loved kids. I've always wanted a lot of my own someday. But I didn't realize just how much I could grow to love children that weren't my own. Every time one of them sits in my lap I hug them a little bit longer, feel their soft skin, and just want to remember. Remember the sweet moments from the past 15 months.

But there's something else I want to remember. Something greater than my own mind and my own heart.

Will was having a rough morning. Nothing seemed to make him happy enough. First he wanted shoes on. Then off. Then socks on. Then a different pair of shoes on. Then those off. Then off with the socks too. Then his shirt was the problem. So we took that off. He tried to take his pants off too, but I drew the line there. So, he went face down and had a moment on the floor. I was thinking about him laying there having his moment. It wasn't a pretty moment. He wasn't being particularly cute. But in that moment I realized just how much I loved him. He wasn't doing anything to "deserve" my love at that moment. In fact, his behavior had been rather frustrating up to that point.

Then I thought about how many times I must look like that to the Father. I want this. No, that doesn't satisfy me. How about this other thing? No, that too comes up empty. Then before I know it, I'm groveling in my misery.  But, in those moments, the Father loves me. Ok, this probably seems so obvious to many, I know. But I have begged the Father to help me understand His love. For years. I have prayed Eph 3:17-19 so many times, I've lost count.

A few moments later, the song "How He Loves" came on and I was just listening to the words: And oh, how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us. Yeah, heard those words a million times. Love the song. But in that moment, as I was reflecting on just how much love there is in my heart for these precious children, I heard the words from Matthew 7 in my heart, "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father give good things to those who ask Him!"  How much more. My interpretation would read, "If you then, an imperfect human, have this much love for these children, how much more does your Father, who is perfect and greater in every way, love you, His child! How much more.

I would say in that moment, for one of the first times in my life, I felt His love for me. Not just heard about it, or read about it or knew it in my head. But felt it.

I remember last March when I was agonizing over whether I should continue teaching or become the nanny for the triplets.  In so many ways, it didn't make sense to quit my job, especially after spending so many years in school to get such a job. But, now I see the Father's hand in this past year so clearly. He has been teaching me to come to Him like a child. And He knew I needed - not just one! - three children to spend a year teaching me about His heart and His love.

Friday is my last day. I say goodbye to three children that I love more than I ever thought possible. But, I go in the arms of a Father who loves me more than I every thought possible. Today I glimpsed that love in a tangible way. But how much more! How much more deeply - more than I will every realize - does His love for me, His child, go?