My departure date is rapidly approaching... 6 weeks from tomorrow to be exact, but then, who's counting (Oh right, my mom is!). In some ways, it still feels like a far away non-reality to me. Oh yeah, I'm going across the world to a place I've never been to work with a people I've never met, all because I long to introduce them to One they've never met. But then there are times when it hits me, and it hits me hard. Like when Will and Charlie got haircuts and I freaked out (the short background here being Charlie has the most amazing red curls you can imagine, but now he looks like he needs Rogaine!:)
Jill said, "Don't worry, it'll grow back," and all I could think was, "Yeah, but not before I leave." Sounds silly. And it is. But I'm a woman and we have these emotional meltdowns at time. I just think it was one of the first times that something happened with the triplets where I realized I wouldn't be there for a particular stage or event. And that's OK. I know that I'm following the path He has laid out for me, so I have peace. But having peace does not mean that pain is nonexistent. There is often great pain in the midst of peace, and even in the midst of anticipation and excitement.
A few days later I went on a "date" with Kaitlyn. Again, some background - I'm taking each of the triplets on an individual date before I leave so I can have some special time with each of them. She loves people and waving at random strangers and blowing them kisses, so we went to a mall that has people (sorry Oviedo Marketplace). My mom met us there and we just had some sweet girl time.
On the way home with Kaitlyn, the Donna Lewis 90s hit came on the radio I Love You Always Forever. It came to the part in the song where it says, you've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen and I lost it. Maybe it's because all of the triplets have unbelievable blue eyes... I mean, check out these blue eyes!
I needed windshield wipers for my eyes. It sounds cheesy. I know the song is old school. And I was glad the only other person in the car was 20 months and unable to laugh at my emotionalism or tell anyone how ridiculous I looked bawling my eyes out at the stoplight. But it was a sweet moment of just realizing that like Paul says, "I have you in my heart." I know the Father placed me in these kids lives for a reason and this anticipation of not waking up to see those blue eyes every morning and hearing little giggles is gut-wrenchingly painful. More than I think I ever expected it to be! But He is faithful. And with great love often comes great pain. And the realization that on this earth there will be many goodbyes, and many bittersweet moments. As we are learning in the ladies book study on Monday nights - life is full of beautiful aches. My heart aches to remember these moments. It aches to leave, but it aches to go. Most of all, it aches to be filled by the only One who can fill it.
So, I've cried my tears over lost locks of hair, and silly 90s songs, but my heart is really mourning something deeper and greater... the closing of one chapter, one that has been amazing, and looking forward to the start of a new chapter, one that I know He has brought me to in His perfect timing. I just strugle with not wanting to forget, and not wanting the pain to lessen the excitement and anticipation with which I am looking forward to a new place, a new people that He has called me to love. Oh, the ache of the human heart!
