I'm a little behind in my posting as you can tell since I'm just now posting about my birthday which was over 2 weeks ago.
A confession, and a silly one at that... I usually feel sad on my birthday. I don't know why, I just know it's usually not my favorite day of the year. This year I was particularly worried about feeling down because of being so far from home. But, before my birthday had even arrived, I'd already been showered with love via the post office! Wow, so many notes and packages, reminding me of all the sweet friendships the Father has blessed me with back in the States!!
The night before my birthday, as Christa and I often do at night, we talked to the Father together, and since Sone was sleeping over, we invited her to talk with us. Christa, knowing how I've often felt on my birthday (and probably wondering why in the world I'd feel that way!), asked the Father to remind me of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life. The words hit me as a challenge to my spirit...am I going to make my birthday about me, or am I going to let it be a day of reflecting on the amazing goodness of JC in my life? More goodness in 1 year than I deserve in my whole life. So, I thought I'd share with you some of those thoughts I had the morning of my bday (which, blessedly was on a Wednesday and Wednesday mornings are my favorite because I don't teach til 10 so I always have an empty house and ample time to be with the Father).
(an excerpt from my journal on April 27,2011)
28 today. Wow that feels old! But I didn't wake up feeling sad. Christa, Sone and I pr-d together last night and Christa's words really hit me - that I have so much to be thankful for, so many years of life that have been blessed by the Father, so many gifts to count. And this time thinking about it didn't make me feel guilty. Instaead I remembered and gave thanks in my heart.
He has been good.
So good.
"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for He has been good to you."
I have been the prodigal child. He the patient, eager Father watching for my return, embracing me and lavishing me with blessing and love.
I was (and often still am) the woman at the well. thirsting and in my thirst, not drinking of living waters; ashamed but encountering the One who holds out His hand, full of life-giving water and says, "drink."
I have been the doubting Thomas, refusing to believe until I see with my eyes (even though the eyes of my heart have seen plenty). He is the suffering Savior who reaches out to my unbelieving heart and says, "see," "touch" and "believe."
28 years ago today, I entered this world. But many years before that, my name entered the Book of Life and how these 28 years would have been different if He had not penned my name on that page. If nothing else good ever happened in my life, that would have been enough.
Do I believe it? Do I live like I believe it?
But He didn't stop there. He has given me so much more. Undeserving. It is true. But radically blessed and loved. Just as true.
28 years ago today I was born in a hospital, a clean hospital. I was born early, but in a country that had the technological capabilities to care for my life. I realize now, that's something I've always taken for granted, but now I see what a blessing it is.
28 years ago today, I was born to a mom who looked forward to my coming and to a dad who cared enough to get special permission from his commanding officers to be able to watch my birth. For 28 years I've never doubted for a day that my earthly parents love me. What a blessing! What a gift! So many children, no less deserving than me, long for even one parent to love them that way.
28 years ago today, 4 grandparents waited at the hospital, anticipating the birth of their 2nd grandchild. A legacy of love, faith and strong family ties. Born into a family that taught me to love JC, and now that I live in a place where so few have that privilege, I realize what a treasure a family of faith is. Another gift that calls out to be counted, cherished and treasured in my heart.
28 years ago today, I entered the world, broken by the fall, with an unregenerate heart, but whole in body - 2 arms, 2 legs, a functioning brain, a digestive tract that worked (but might be getting a little tired these days!!), eyes that could see, hands that could hold, a mouth that could speak.
More gifts!
28 years ago today, my heart beat outside of my mom for the first time. And my sinful soul was revealed. 28 years ago today my soul started crying out for One to fill me. And it's been crying for HIm ever since. Some days harder than others. For 28 years He has pursued me. Loved me. Chastened me. I didn't always see, know or appreciate it. But for 28 years, He has been there.
The Greatest Gift.
"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you."
Over the last 28 years, I've done plenty to cause Him to leave me or forsake me. To cause Him to turn away in anger or disappointment. To be sorry He made me.
But He never has. And I'm beginning to believe, after 28 years (I'm a little slow!), that He never will.
He's unshakeable.
In another 28 years I'll be 56. The same age as my dad, which means he was my age 28 years ago, the day I was born. It reminds me that there are still unfulfilled longings. Longings that maybe haven't been there for 28 years, but a long time nonetheless. To be a wife. To be a mom. To have my own family. To establish a new legacy with a new name. To be continually more sanctified and dethorn all these fleshly ways.
It is easy, especially with the formidable 3-0 looming ever closer, for me to focus on those things that are yet unfulfilled or are in-process. To look to what is lacking and drain my heart of faith.
If I'm really honest, that's what I usually do on my birthday. Well, if I'm really really honest (and I usually can't help be anything but that!), that's what I focus on most days. Especially for someone like me who can often tend towards melancholy and then I go down.
But for 28 years He has redirected my gaze. "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?"
"He's the lifter of my head."
He has turned the eyes of my heart toward Him again and again. And especially with Easter being so recent, and experiencing another familiar story anew through the eyes of my students, I'm so thankful that for 28 years every thought that was impure, every action that was amiss, every motive that was false, every time I faked my righteousness, He looked at those 2 pieces of wood, tinted red with His precious flow and said, "Paid in full. Not guilty. Forgiven. White as snow."
So, as I reflect on my life and the past 28 years, if I look with eyes of faith, there is so much to thank Him for. So many gifts, big and small. Too many to count.
I could spend the next 28 years counting and never number them all.
A few pictures from celebrating... My students had a party for me at Sone's flat Wednesday for lunch.
Lao tradition - spread icing on the birthday person's face.
I love these students!! They are some of my biggest joys in Laos!
On the weekend, I went to Sone's house and her family had a party for me. Noodle soup (symbolizing long life) and Kua Pak (stir-fried veggies and my favorite!). It is so wonderful to have her family in my life...her mom calls me her Luk hak (literally means love daughter) and is how Lao people refer to close friends who they consider like family.
