Being Alone

I've always heard that you learn new (often unexpected) things about yourself when you are in a new culture. I guess some things just stay masked or unnoticed until our world is turned upside down and we're in a completely new place, both figuratively and literally.

Well, one of those things I've learned about myself is this: I hate being alone. And not only do I not like it, I'm not good at it either. It's been a bit of a joke these last three weeks, actually. On the airplane ride over, I was sitting off in a separate section from the rest of the team. Of all the girls here at training, I'm the only one with my own room. I'm one of two auditing the courses, so sometimes if there needs to be an odd-one-out for an activity or something, it is usually one of us. Ok, so this probably sounds like I'm soliticing your pity, I'm really not. I'm just setting the stage for you to understand how the Father has been teaching me about being alone. In each of these situations, I've seen the Father's hand and provision. But I can't say that I've always been enjoying it.

Take this afternoon for instance. After getting back from a busy morning of doing "touristy" stuff around Hanoi (more to come on that later), I went back to my room to rest/work/etc. But I just felt this heaviness. This aloneness weighing me down. Even though I'd just been around a bunch of people for the last 5 hours. I just kept asking myself, "Why do I hate being alone so much?"  I feel like it is something the Father is prodding me about. Do I avoid the quiet place? Because often that is where He speaks the loudest. Do I crave the company of others more than I crave His presence? Am I looking to the seen and tangible things to bring the comfort that comes from Him? Do I believe it when He says, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" even if it doesn't feel like it?

Feeling alone in a foreign country probably makes everything more pronounced. I mean, it's not like I can hop into my car and run to Target. You know, get me some retail therapy. I can't just go for a walk in my neighborhood...it's  motorbike obstacle course out there. Nor can I just pick up the phone and call my mom and tell her I wish she was here with me. There's no yummy chocolate to munch on. The many things that I run to are gone. Poof. Nowhere to be found. And it leaves me feeling empty. It leaves me with an ache. It reminds me of words I read a few months ago in our Ladies' BS book called, "The Beautiful Ache." What if you denied the urge to fill the crevice or crater-like space it (the ache) makes with activity or noise or food or drink - and simply sat with it awhile?...The beautiful ache points us beyond. It is not meant to be ignored.

Life is really different here. Obviously. But there is a constant no matter what country we go to, or what language is being spoken...the One who created us all; He is here just as surely as He was there. I may feel alone, but I am not alone. Sometimes though, that just doesn't feel like enough and I'm just wanting to believe before I feel.  I was reading The Valley of Vision yesterday, and this phrase really struck me: Help me to honor Thee by believing before I feel, for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith.