An Honest Glimpse

The devo book that my mom gave me before I left has really been speaking to my heart these past few weeks. I read this the other day and was super convicted:

I cannot say my heart is pure,
no,
not because it is riddled with lust
or
stained with hatred,
but because
it does not always long for You.
My heart longs
for comfort and ease,
for power and control,
for possessions and position,
for acceptance and recognition.
It longs for so many of the things
that carry the promise of
satisfaction
contentment
happiness
joy.
Yet, my heart is wired for You,
wired
to rest only in the rest found
in You.
It would be easy to reason
that I am okay.
I am not a thief.
I am not a murderer.
I have not stolen the spouse of another.
But this reality I cannot escape :
my heart is not pure,
because it does not always long for You....
When my heart finds life in You,
it will no longer
seek it in another.
I wish I could say that I am pure,
but the battle still rages,
and rescue is still needed,
so that the longings of my heart
will not pull me away,
but will draw me
ever closer
to You.

If I'm really honest, life here has been so much harder than I anticipated. In so many ways, moving here and teaching overseas has been a dream come true. But the unexpected struggles have surprised me and caused me to see so many things about my heart that I would rather have stayed hidden, though I know deep down it is His grace to purify me through and through. I see that even here, when reflecting His light is supposed to be my sole purpose, my heart does not always long for Him. It seeks to find life in so many other things and sources. And time and again, He shows me that He is the only one.

I wish I could say I was brave over here. Or that my weakness wasn't overwhelming on most days. But I'm not and it is. It's been a humbling two months, one where I feel like the Father is breaking down many of the things I've looked to all my life for security and hope. I'm glad the Word gives us so many examples of people used not just in spite of their weakness, but because of it. I wish I could say I'm a good student here in the Father's school, but I am such a slow learner and the same lesson often has to be repeated day after day.

In this place, where I'm far away from my family who has always been such a rock for me, and my friends who have so faithfully loved me in the good times and the dark times, and beloved OGC which has been a home and family to me for 17 years, the Word has come alive to me more than ever. I wish I could say it's because my heart is passionate for the Father. But really, it's been out of sheer desperation, but even though desperate is not fun, it has been painful yet rich, hard but deep.

My request most mornings when I wake up is Psalm 90:14 Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love, that I may rejoice and be glad all my days.

I'm asking for joy in the morning. To be satisfied in Him alone. For the weight to be lifted from my heart. And as I wait, I want to be drawn closer to my Father's heart.