139

Drove my motorbike in the rain to school today for the first time. Thankfully I remembered to wear the poncho backwards so that the rain didn't all drain right into my lap which is what happened the last time I wore it! I needed some windshield wipers for my helmet visor, but otherwise it wasn't so bad. I can't remember the last time I was stuck in the rain like that...So spoiled in my green camry that is waterproof :)

I'm learning to make the most of my commute time in the mornings. Usually I just think about random things, but since my time in the morning is so limited, I've been trying to be intentional about meditating on Truth or talking to the Father. Besides vigilantly watching for vehicles from every direction, I feel like I have had time en route to connect with Him. And that's been so good for my heart and my head. I was reading the other day in the devo book "A Shelter in the Time of Storm" that I mentioned in my last post and these words really struck me:

No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you more than you do. You are in an unending conversation with yourself.

And for someone who is so overanalytical like me, this is so true. And it has often been a downfall for me because I easily get down on myself. Paul Tripp continues:

What do you regularly tell yourself about yourself, G, and your circumstances? Do your words encourage faith, hope and courage? Or do they stimulate doubt, discouragement and fear? Do you remind yourself that He is near or do you reason within yourself, given your circumstances, that He must be distant?

These words were so convicting for me. I have been battling discouragement basically since the moment we arrived in Laos. It has ebbed and flowed, but the mornings and bedtime are always really hard for me. After reading those words, I have been more aware of my self talk and realized how often I am down on myself. Being in a new culture exposes so many things, and you often feel like a complete idiot because you're incapable of doing so many basic things.

I'm learning - so slowly - that the Father accepts me to the uttermost. That His Love is steadfast, unwavering and unshakable, no matter how horrible my day was or how much I let discouragement rule the thoughts in my mind.  Psalm 139 has been a rock for me in the last couple of weeks. It's so familiar, and I feel like sometimes when I read something that is familiar it just bounces off my heart. But this time the words have been like a healing balm to my soul. I've experienced a lot of brokenness here, and these words feel like a glue that is piecing my heart back together (hopefully in a way that is more pleasing to the Father!!).

 One of the things I've been so struck by here (and something I wasn't anticipating at all) is just the feeling of not being known. Back home I was known well by many people. In fact, at our ladies BS I was always known as the confessing one because I'm a pretty transparent person (actually, I think that might be a slight understatement). To come to a completely new place where no one knows you, and then on top of that to be battling discouragement on an almost daily basis (so you don't feel like your true self) is hard. I don't want to sound complaining here. Just trying to be honest. I feel like a lot of times people go overseas and only tell the "good stuff" but there is also the hard stuff. I'm learning over and over that hard is not bad. It's often how we grow the most.  And in this place of not being known, the words of Psalm 139 O L, You have searched me and known me are particularly comforting. I am known by the Father. Known and loved. I think a lot of the time, the reason we can't be transparent is because we fear that if we are truly known, we won't be truly loved and accepted. But the Father knows me, He's searched me, I am known by Him, but His knowledge of every part of me in no way diminishes His love for me.

I've always known that. But in this place for some reason this Truth has become a lifeline and a source of great hope for me.  No wonder David said, Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. It is high. I cannot attain it.

O L, it's too high, I can't understand
That I, a wretch, am held by Your hand
O L, it's too much, I can't comprehend
That I, but dust, have been formed by Your hand

I am loved, I am known
Not rejected, accepted
Surrounded and covered